You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
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