just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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