but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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