I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
