Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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