In the future we'll all be gay
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
