If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
