On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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