I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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