Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize