If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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