Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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