the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
