she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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