I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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