and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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