apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize