Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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