Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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