p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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