porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
