I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
