I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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