I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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