im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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