At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
fuck your aforementioned shoe
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
