I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
