No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
