Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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