Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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