I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
