Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
