Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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