Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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