Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
