And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
The best revenge is premature balding
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
