I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
