Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
