my sisters under your porch take her home
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize