Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
