im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
