So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
