i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
They are going to name an STD after you.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
