quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
