dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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