At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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