Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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