I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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