This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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