the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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