apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Randomize
