there's paper in my vomit.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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