If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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