the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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