Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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