Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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