One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
