tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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