Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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