i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
